This has been an interesting week. To say the least.
I mentioned, a couple of posts ago, that I have been potty training my son and that, at 4 1/2, he is a bit late in his training. I love my son, more than words can say, but I have not been blind to the fact that he hasn't been on the same track developmentally as most kids his age. I have brought it up, from time-to-time, with his pediatrician and was usually told that I was "over-comparing" him to other kids. I knew better than to accept that from the pediatrician, but I let it lie for awhile. I didn't want to deal with the elephant in the room that most parents don't want to deal with.
Autism.
This word carries so much weight these days. We hear about it a lot. We hear that the numbers are on the rise and we hear about celebrities like Jenny McCarthy that they too have kids with Autism.
God bless Jenny McCarthy. At first I denied that my son could have Autism because he seemed to function so much better than the stereotypical Autistic child. I remember watching "Rainman" and thinking the sort of idiot-savant that Dustin Hoffman played was what Autism was all about. That can't be my son I thought, my son hugs me, he tells me he loves me. He comes running to me when I come home from the store with a loud "Mom!" and a big hug. How could this child have Autism?
And then a funny thing happened. I started reading about it and I discovered a neurological disorder on the Autism spectrum called Asperger's Syndrome. And an even funnier thing happened. I realized that not only does my son have virtually all the criteria that would garner him a diagnosis as having Asperger's, I do as well.
I've always felt like a square-peg in a round-hole world, but I always found things to blame it on. I was adopted. I went to 11 different schools from kindergarten through 12 grade. Of course I was socially awkward. But the thing is, even in a safe environment, away from social situations that can leave me in a horrible state of anxiety, I'm still not what you might think of as normal. I look normal. I can pass for normal. I can hold a job and go to parent-teacher conferences relatively well. But if you and I were having a face to face conversation, I would have to force myself to look into your eyes. I do this because it's what I've come to believe is expected of me in social situations but I don't "get" why I should do it. My son is the same way.
When I go to a party with my husband I really get stressed out. I've never been able to read people very well. I tend to run on conversationally and have a one track mind that is staggering in it's focus. I cannot go-with-the-flow conversationally because my mind will stay on whatever track I started on and will not shift gears unless I make a conscious effort to do so. I tend to be blunt but think of myself as "honest." I don't mean to hurt other people's feelings but since I am not naturally tactful I do sometimes. I don't like to be touched (which drives my husband crazy) and can't stand loud noises of any kind. If I'm in a room full of people I will go into sensory overload and have to leave to spend time by myself. I usually stay up late every night just to be alone.
I could go on and on but I think I would bore you. The point of all this is that despite my personal diagnosis of Asperger's, I've managed to do okay. I have been with my husband for 13 years despite my social retardation. Most people would never, ever, dream that I suffer from a form of Autism. Thank goodness.
In a weird way I'm glad I have Asperger's. I would prefer that my son didn't have it, but since he does I think I am uniquely qualified to help him navigate through a world he won't understand. I can't give him enlightenment, but I can give him a few coping mechanisms. I would prefer that I didn't have this genetic mutation to pass on to my child (Asperger's generally runs in families and often the adult sufferer will be diagnosed at the same time as the child) but I can't help what has already happened.
The one thing that gives me hope is now I know why I am the way I am. I now know why I have a hard time relating to people and prefer the companionship I find among the blogging community. I don't need to read facial expressions here. All I have to do is read the words on a page and I can do that. I can also stand as an example to my son. I can say to him, I graduated college. I got married and had kids. I know how to love even if I don't know how to express it. I know what it is to be you, and you're going to be just fine.....
For more information on Asperger's Syndrome, THIS is an excellent place to start.
9 comments:
well i had never heard of this before so i went and read from that link. i think your son is very lucky to have you for a mom... very lucky indeed. good luck honey, you will do fine, i know you will. i read several blogs daily about having children with autism.
hugs, bee
xxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo
Thanks Bee. I'm sure I'll write about our experiences a lot on here.
No words just some (((((((((Hugs)))))))))
Y'all are gonna be fine. Thanks for sharing this, and my thoughts are with you!
This is huge stuff--and I admire your self-awareness. I see the family across the street struggle with their son (8 now), who is the person who first caused me to Google "Asperger's." I'm sure he has it, but I can't see how to bring it up to the parents, who are fragile enough as it is. Not my place anyhow...but it makes me so glad you will be there as a roadmap for your son.
Jane
Thanks. I could use some of those right now.
Steve
It helps me to write about it. I can kind of work it out that way. Thanks for the support.
Jocelyn
That's so hard. Part of what got me to look into it was well placed comments by good friends. That's tough. The parent is automatically going to be defensive, as I was. I wouldn't recommend you say anything unless you know them well. Chances are they already know something isn't quite right with their son but maybe just can't confront the diagnosis. I'm lucky in that we're on the really light end of the spectrum. I've been able to sort of fake it for most of my life, though it's been really hard. I'm glad that my son will know ahead of time that his thought patterns don't work the same as most other people. I think it would have been much easier for me if I had had the knowledge growing up.
Sending you some more the ((((HUGS))))
Okay, firstly, I've taught a couple of kids with Asperger's and they had their kinks but got along just fine with the right support.
Secondly, you prove a little theory of mine; the learning difficulties and conditions we hear about these days are real and have been around for a long time, but they are not insurmountable or a barrier to people living full lives. I taught lots of kids with dyslexia et al, and came to see it quite negatively, in that once the diagnosis was in place, those children had a label, an excuse to do less than, and were effectively disempowered. Many took advantage of this - naturally. Those who didn't I can count on one hand - they saw their difficulties as something they needed to surmount to do what they wanted to do in life. These people I admire without reserve, because I believe that we all have our weaknesses and our difficulties and life is about learning to live with them and overcome them.
In some ways, I'm with the doctor, in allowing your son the space to be himself, he will find ways to cope. Of course, like all children he will require support, but personally, I'd try to avoid the 'special needs' lot for as long as I could.
Just my twopenneth as an ex-teacher - for what it's worth.
Puss
Puss
You're actually echoing some thoughts I've been having.
I've learned it may be better not to have my son officially diagnosed. American insurance companies are starting to drop kids who have any signs of Autism from insurance policies, claiming "pre-existing" conditions.
I talked to the speech therapist who is helping my son and she said that a diagnosis wouldn't make any difference as far as they're concerned. They only look at what's in front of them and decide what the child needs to do well in school.
Asperger's isn't severe enough to warrant any state funding. My son may need some extra help, but long-term his chances are very good at living a totally normal life. Labeling him as having Asperger's may be counterproductive.
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