My Dog is in Lust With Santa Clause

I almost didn't get my dog a Christmas present this year. I've never been one to buy my pets presents on holidays because, well, they're pets! It's not like they're going to know or anything. But when my seven year old daughter asked me what I thought Santa was going to bring Sassy this year, I knew I had to get something for the dog.

So my husband picked up a fairly generic doggie-stocking stuffed with doggie toys and we put it under the tree. At first it didn't really seem like the dog was that into her present. She'd kind of half-heartedly chase the squeaky ball or nose the toy candy-cane around, but no real excitement-- maybe she had been hoping for a new exciting chicken-flavored chewy-- I don't know.

But after a day or so I noticed a new light in the dog's eyes (or at least the one she can see out of). She seemed to be favoring the stuffed-Santa toy. She'd kind of sidle over coyly and gaze at Santa with a look that could only be called adoring.

And then she'd attempt to hump the bejeesus out of the thing.

I didn't know girl dogs did this until Sassy came along. Unfortunately my mom never got her spayed. At first there was a glimmering of an idea to breed the dog, but then it just turned into laziness and the dog was left with these feelings, or yearnings maybe, that can't find expression without a boy dog to help her out.

Apparently Santa is a decent surrogate.

When this slightly alarming behavior started (you try explaining what the dog is doing to Santa to your young children) I had already had Sassy scheduled to be fixed so I didn't worry too much. I assumed the dog's hormones would cool it once she was no longer fertile, but it turns out that was a foolish hope.

I don't know if all dogs will try to hump stuffed animals after being fixed, or if it's behavior that's only common to dogs who are older after being snipped. I doesn't really matter, Sassy still wants to get it on with the guy in red.

But I've had to put the kibosh on her party. It's just too awkward with kids or polite company. So I had to take Santa away.

The dog usually sleeps on our bed at night, but for the last two nights she's slept on the downstairs couch. I don't know if she's in mourning or if she simply isn't speaking to me. Or maybe she knows Santa is sitting on top of the TV and she's hoping he'll come down for a midnight tryst.

I hope I'm not getting in the way of true love.